KAIDEN
“WHAT DO YOU want, Devin?” I ask, obviously annoyed. He stands outside my door looking sad or is it mad? I can’t really tell but honestly, I don’t think I care enough.
“Can I come in, please? We should talk,” he says under hushed tones.
“What else is there to talk about? We said all we had to say —”
“No. You screamed while I sat there and took it. I just want to have a calm conversation about us.”
“US!? There is no us!” screaming through what I thought was a whisper.
“Are you really gonna make me stand out here lookin’ crazy?”
I stare at him, evaluating whether or not I really want to let this man in my space, but before I can come to a decision, I hear my neighbor unlatching their locks from the inside. Quickly shutting my door to unfasten the top lock, I swing it back open, quickly ushering him to escape judgment before they can criticize our very public conversation.
“Hurry up!” I say between tight lips. “And don’t get too comfortable!”
He removes his jacket anyway and places his shoes next to the door. Making his way to the couch I stand in confusion wondering what we possibly have to discuss. I hold back my verbal frustration and charge towards the couch, sitting as far away as possible.
“How was your date tonight?” He asks.
“Shit, you really want to know?” I question sarcastically. He catches me off guard, but I recover quickly from his dumb ass question, and before I can say anything else, he continues.
“Listen, I came over to talk a little bit more about what we’re doing here. But as I pulled up, I saw you, with him.”
“So, you were watching us, Devin?” That’s fucking creepy.
“No. Like I said I saw you and that was that. But I didn’t know you were dating again. I thought we decided to take a break while you figure out what you wanted from this relationship.”
“No, you decided to take a break, Devin. I made it very clear I wasn’t ready to go down the path we were headed.” I insert quickly.
“That’s bullshit and you know it, Kaiden. So, just forget the past three years we spent together? Forget everything we’ve overcome, all the plans we made?”
“But I didn’t make those plans! You did, without me! I told you I wasn’t ready to move in, that I wasn’t ready to have kids. I told you I wasn’t ready to be —,” I pause.
“Be what? My wife!? Mhm, you made that shit very clear after I placed that ring back in my pocket. But I’m not gonna allow you to sit here and act like those conversations weren’t made with intention of us getting married. You knew that and you continued on with this relationship like you wanted those things too.”
My wit escapes me for the first time tonight and I don't know what to say. His elbows rest on his knees, face in palms, as we sit in the deafening silence. I think about touching him, I want to touch him, but I know that would only make this situation muddy. Instead, I stay on my side of the couch, wondering when the silence will cease. Sitting there for what feels like minutes turned to hours, he raises his head to look at me, tears streaming down his face. But quickly my panic turns to rage, replaced with sadness. I stand up with my back turned to him, keeping my expression hidden. Say something, girl!
“I told you . . .,” I sputter between sobs, “. . . I’m not ready for that type of commitment.” I turn around and he’s already by the entry putting on his shoes. He grabs his coat and I know I need to stop him. We can’t leave it like this.
“Wait!” I shout. He pauses, looks at me, waiting for some sort of signal to make him stay. “Please come sit back down, Devin. Don’t leave,” pleading for a moment to explain the unexplainable.
He’s hesitant but he loves me, so returns back to the couch, this time wanting to be nowhere near me.
“I don’t want to hurt you, and believe it or not, I love you but I’m not the marrying type. I need you to understand that because you need someone better than me. You deserve someone who’s going to be sure about you and the life you build together.”
“I was sure with you, Kaiden, I’m just not understanding what it was about me that made you apprehensive. What I valued most was our friendship and instead of communicating these concerns you kept me in the dark. You snatched any chance we had away when you didn’t talk to me . . . when you decided I wasn’t enough for you.”
“No, I’m not enough for you,” quickly interjecting, “I can’t be this domesticated person you dream for me to be. I can’t be that in this moment,” I speak through tears.
“Not even for me?” He pleads.
I shake my head, confirming his worst fears. This is it, huh? We’re really done.
“I still have plans, things I need to work on, and I have to do that without you.” I say selfishly.
“Okay.” he says, shaking his head letting the realization set in place. He stands back up heading back towards the door. He turns around and his demeanor has changed. Anger.
“So, this guy you’re dating, are you serious about him? Is He serious about you?”
“Devin, please —”
“No, no, I’m seriously wondering what he’s going to do a couple of years down the line when he finally builds the courage to ask for your hand, because he will, and you’ll still say no. Because let's face it you’re not the marrying type, right? Stop wasting everyone's time.”
And before I could say another word he was gone. I take a step forward and realize that it’s only going to hurt him more, so I stay right where I am hoping the healing can begin, for both of us.